I'm sitting there in my room, thinking to myself "Well, if I'm going to show this weekend, after a year out of the show pen, I guess I better check to see all my show clothes still fit me!"
(dramatic musical interlude, as heard in every old movie just before the damsel finds herself in distress!)
The next thing I do is perhaps the most unfortunate decision I have made in a very long time....and will be hard to beat in the near future....I TRIED ON MY ENGLISH TALL BOOTS! *GASP* For those of you unfamiliar with tall boots, look HERE.
Well, More like I attempted to squeeze 10 lbs of sausage into a 5lb bag....but I got those puppies on! Yes sir'ee I did! Surely these boots would find a way to stretch out and give my poor little fatty calves some room to BREATHE! Surely they would! But as the blood stopped circulating to my feet, shooting pains ran up the backs of my thighs, and the burn of a million hot branding irons pressed upon my hiney, I started to have doubts....
Still, I made my way outside and to the horse trailer to find my spurs....I had every intention of riding my horse to be sure I could still function in full show tack and attire and all....I really did!
Next thing I know, the burning in my legs and toosh turn into a pulsating heat thru the rest of my my body and I start to sweat like a mare in heat!
Now I'm getting light headed! Lordsy Mercy, what's come over me! I decide it's best to go ahead and try to make it back into the house where I can use my fancy boot pulling contraption to remove these medieval torture devices from my body...problem, stairs! Lots of stairs...stairs into the house, stairs to my room....my legs won't bend, and the pain! he pain is making my head spin! I make it into the house and holler up the stairs to my mom to meet me in my room to help with the impending leg extraction....I hobble up and start the pulling process....but I can't stand on one foot anymore...and I can see the light! Mom! Help! She thinks I am joking....and perhaps my hysterics and tears could be mistaken for a hearty laugh on any other day, but not this one....I think I was about to check out when mom and I together got the boots off and I collapsed on my bed to regain my composure...do you think I over reacted? I don't know, it was touch and go for a while there....
It was awful....terrible....and I have wasted no time in attempting to re-home those evil leather contraptions! They have no place in my happy home!
Now, to get me a new pair, preferably with a zipper up the back, for emergency exits!
Happy Trails,
Leah
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